one

This photo was taken of DF yesterday in my apartment. It was our last full day together before the summer starts, which is why I chose to use it for the first picture, also it was the only picture I got because we couldn't focus on one thing for more than 5 minutes. It was a hazy day. We drank, we smoked, we ate, we napped, we binge watched a lot of random things, and found ourselves stuck in the matrix that is the internet for hours. It was exactly how we wanted to spend our day "celebrating" the end of finals. Though is it really celebrating if this has seemingly become a routine thing for us for the past couple of months? We're not sure. It was so bittersweet, because the entire time all I could think of was how we won't be able to do this for the entire summer. He's leaving and I'm less than thrilled about it, but it's fine. I'm going to be fine. This will be fine. Always fine. 

~ 

I have this power, this switch, that I can turn on and off. When it's on, I feel everything, I feel it all in full. When it's off, the feelings the fade to gray and I am capable of pretending that I am emotionless. This is a skill I've mastered over the years and it works every time, with every person in my life. Except for you. I try to turn it off, I do, but when I look you, everything in me collapses. It's been this way since we met a year ago, and I was hellbent on not befriending you then. But I couldn't fight it, I couldn't fight you. It was fucking magnetic, and I'm not proud of it. Call it poetic or call it pathetic, either description fits, and I hate it. It's bullshit. I don't enjoy not being in control of myself. I don't enjoy being vulnerable because it only makes me feel weak. The rational side of me realizes that there is a certain power and strength that comes with a person who allows their self to be so vulnerable, but that doesn't mean the irrational side of me doesn't go down without a fight. Around other people, I am able to laugh freely and act like I don't give a shit, because usually I don't. Last night you asked me to model for you and I couldn't even do that. I chose to blame it on the side effects of the weed, I was just paranoid, you know? It had nothing to do with me being shy around you, because that would just be ridiculous. We share a bed together more often then not, we've seen parts of each other that most people never will, and so, after all this time, I shouldn't still feel shy, should I? I didn't think so. Maybe I'll write something flowery and lovely about this feeling later, but for right now all I can feel is annoyance towards myself because even though it's been a year, I still don't feel in control of myself and I'm not okay with it.